Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Stress offset credits

I'm launching a new home-based business enterprise, Dogpatch of the North Stress Offset Credit Services, Ltd. The concept is quite simple: for those of you who are producing more than your fair share of stress, i can, for a nominal fee, provide the stress relief to make up for your excesses. You know who you are: you IRS agents, overbearing bosses, road-rage drivers, fatuous politicians, etc. Your obnoxious habits cause other folks to develop ulcers and high blood pressure. You have an oversized stress footprint, and until now, the only thing you could offer was an abject apology to those poor folks whom you put into a high-stress state.

Well, help is here! Now you may contract with me, and i can generate, in your name, enough stress-reducing antidotes to compensate for your overage.

To begin with, it is well known that a strong dose of profoundly expressed truth can result in a state of deep meditational calm in the recipient, blowing away all feelings of stress. Thus, a single visit to this little blog with its breathtaking insights can counteract, say, a severe chewing out from an ill-tempered boss. For those few who do not find my writings inspirational, that's OK - comic relief also relieves stress, so the general effect would be the same.

The contractual agreement would be a simple matter of matching your excess units of stress (SU), with my stress reduction credits (SRC), so that you can continue to harangue and irritate as always, but with a clear conscience, knowing that, by contracting with me, you have in effect made up for all your stress excesses and have achieved a zero stress footprint.

I would assign each of my clients the appropriate number of blog hits to correct for the stress excess of that client. Fees would be based upon the current market value for stress reduction credits. Currently the market value is $267.34 per SRC. This price has been pretty stable, remaining in the $250 - $300 range for some time now, but, like all things, that could change. You have to admit this is a very reasonable price range, all things considered. Naturally, the blog hit counter and the appropriation of hits to specific clients would be carefully documented, and subject to third party audit control to guarantee that stress relief is really being performed per contract agreement.

As this enterprise grows, i may expand to include on-site stress relief. Stress victims could actually visit my humble homestead and engage in any number of more intense stress-melting activities, like watching the snow melt off my henhouse roof, splitting a pile of firewood at sunset, hoeing a row of potatoes barefoot, etc. The possibilities are endless (although some options are admittedly seasonal). The stress victim would not pay for these services, but would just be asked to sign a voucher to document that stress relief services were rendered. These documented SRCs would be handled per client contract as above.

It's a win-win scenario for all involved. Stress producers get to continue their obnoxious behavior with a clear conscience, their victims get relief, and i can make my property tax payment. Most importantly, we can all achieve a more serene and peaceful existence. It's what our world needs now!

I know there are others out there who could also provide these and similar stress credit services. It should be noted that, as the originator of the idea, i own the copyright to the basic concept. But, generous and kind-hearted fellow that i am, i would be willing to consider offering franchise agreements to those who can demonstrate the ability to provide the same kind of stress reduction. I believe there is enough surplus stress to keep us all well employed.

So, whether you are that irresponsible stress over-producer, a stress victim, or a fellow stress absorber, feel free to contact me (click here), and let's start reducing global levels of stress!

No comments: